Characters

Potay, a narrator

Ol’ Tater, a narrator

Hazel 

Cahbrianna, Hazel’s mother 

Delaney 

Umbrellamae, Delaney’s mother

Allie, Hazel’s friend

Evie, Delaney’s six-year-old neighbor

Eden, Evie’s twin

Pyren (dragon)

Cockerell (dragon)

Conscience (dragon)

Icestone (dragon)

Airin (dragon)

Fryen (dragon)

Fireblossom (dragon)

Soliana (dragon)

Skyburst (dragon)

Starfire, the Legendary (dragon)

Scene 1: Whoops, I Almost Gave Away the Whole Show! (Potay, Ol’ Tater)

(Enter Potay.)

Potay: (ominously) Many people have tried to build time machines. And all of them have failed. But, only a few times in history, two machines have merged, and then —

Ol’ Tater: You’re not supposed to tell them that! It’s confidential information!

Potay: They deserve to know.

Ol’ Tater: What have they done to deserve such knowledge?

Potay: They should at least be forewarned.

Ol’ Tater: No, they shouldn’t.

Potay: Yes, they should.

Ol’ Tater: No, they shouldn’t! 

Potay: Yes, they shou — aaaaah! 

(Ol’ Tater grabs Potay and drags him offstage; Potay is screaming dramatically the whole time and a good while afterward, too.)

Potay: Aaaaaaaaaaaaa —

Ol’ Tater: Shush! You’re holding up the show!

Scene 2: Going to the Park (Hazel, Cahbrianna, Delaney, Umbrellamae)

(Enter Hazel and Delaney.)

Hazel/Delaney: Mom, I’m going to park.

(Delaney and Umbrellamae freeze.)

Cahbrianna: All right, Hazel. Watch out for poison ivy and be home in time for dinner at about 6:00 o’clock.

Hazel: OK, Mom, I will.

(Delaney and Umbrellamae unfreeze, Hazel and Cahbrianna freeze.)

Umbrellamae: Of course, Delaney, dear. But be very careful. You’ll be all alone there, after all. Are you sure it’s safe?

Delaney: Yes, Mother. Literally the safest thing ever.

(Hazel and Cahbrianna unfreeze.)

(Hazel and Delaney walk to the park.)

Delaney: (unenthusiastically) Oh. Hi.

Hazel: (also unenthusiastically) Hi. I need to, um, get going now.

Delaney: Bye.

(They both hurry away.)

(Hazel and Delaney continue walking. They start talking about how annoying the other is.)

Delaney: Ugh, she’s so practical and uncreative. She won’t even think about dragons. Well, when I finish building my time machine, I can bring dragons from the future and prove they exist!

Hazel: Delaney is completely incapable of any kind of rational thought. She doesn’t even believe in global warming. I need evidence from the future that we need to change it.

(There are small tome machines onstage, and they fiddle with their machines for a few “minutes.”)

Delaney/Hazel: Ugh, this isn’t working!

Hazel: But I did all of my calculations three times over!!!

Delaney: What shall I do? I’m despairing most uncorrect! Terrible!

Hazel: Oh, I forgot to put this screw in.

Delaney: This screw looks friendly. Hello, sir. How are things? Anyway, I shall put  you in this place of honor.

Hazel/Delaney: Here goes! 

(Slowly and cautiously, they simultaneously insert the dragon amulet, er, screw. Make sure this is dramatic! There is the sound of a dragon roaring, and someone turns on string lights that go across the stage, connecting the machines.)

Hazel: I have to go home and get supplies.

Delaney: All right! Here I gooooo — Wait. Maybe I shouldn’t go just yet. Mother will panic.

Hazel: Mom, I’m home. Is dinner ready?

Cahbrianna: Yes.

Delaney: Smells like baked potatoes and hot sauce. Are you home, or at least somewhere in America, Mother?

Umbrellamae: Yes, dear. And yes, it is. I hope you like it.

Hazel/Delaney: Thanks for dinner! (Go to bed offstage. Wake up the next morning.)

Scene 3: The Future . . . Or Not (Hazel, Cahbrianna, Delaney, Umbrellamae, Allie, Evie, Eden; at the end all dragons except Starfire)

(Enter Hazel, Delaney, Cahbrianna, and Umbrellamae.)

 Hazel:  I’m off to the park. See you later, Mom.

Cahbrianna: Bye, honey.

Delaney: I need to go work on my project at the park.

Umbrellamae: You mentioned that once. What type of project is it?

Delaney: A machine of sorts. If it works I can show it to you. Bye.

Umbrellamae: Bye. Good luck.

(Hazel and Delaney walk to the park, roll their eyes at each other, etc.) 

Hazel: (Mimes talking on the phone.) Hi, Allie, yes, it’s Hazel. Do you want to come with me into the future in the time machine I built? (Pause.) No, a real one. (Pause.) At the park. (Pause.) Great, see you soon!

Delaney: Off to save the trees. OK, good, three books and two notebooks. I’m prepared. Well, maybe I should get another. I mean, only three! No, I can’t spend time on that.

Hazel: (Is carrying a backpack; she pulls stuff out of the backpack.) Food — check. Water — check. Clothes — check. Phone — check. I think I’m ready.

Allie: (Enters.) Hi, Hazel! 

Hazel: Ready?

Allie: Definitely. Wow, your time machine is so cool!

Evie/Eden: (Enter.) Hi, Delaney! Can you play with us?

Delaney: Not right now, but in a few days, OK? (Waves and starts to walk away.)

Evie: What are you doing?

Eden: Can we help?

(Delaney has been walking toward her time machine, and Evie and Eden see it.)

Evie/Eden: Ooh, cool!

Eden: It looks like a time machine!

Delaney: This is a big, huge, exciting secret, and you can keep it for me for a few days, can’t you? Then, once I make sure it’s safe, we can all go. How does that sound?

Evie: I guess. . . . 

Delaney: Thank you. (Enters the time machine; Evie and Eden sneak in behind her.)

(Hazel and Delaney each take a deep breath.)

Hazel/Delaney: I can’t wait here forever. Here I go. 

Delaney: It’s “as dark as a crow flying though a pitch black night,” as Lemony Snicket says.

Evie/Eden: Who’s Lemony Snicket?

Delaney: He’s the author who wrote A Series of — Wait, what are you doing here? I told you not to come; it’s too dangerous!

Evie: But you’re here.

Delaney: Yes, but — fine. But stay here.

Eden: You’re an awesome friend, Delaney.

Delaney: Thank you, but remember to stay here. Oh, and read page thirty-nine of this book if you need to escape. (Points to a book; walks down the tunnel.) And stay here!

Evie/Eden: (stage whisper to the audience) We can’t read. (Start giggling. Then follow Delaney.)

Hazel/Delaney: Oh, a tunnel! (Literally bump into each other; look at each other with shock.) Oh, sorry. It’s you!

Hazel: Why are you here, and what is this place anyway?

Delaney: Um, I, uh, built a time machine. Isn’t this, like, the future?

Hazel: I don’t think so. Is the future a giant tunnel? That would be depressing. 

Delaney: It would. 

(Pause.)

Hazel: Well, I hadn’t expected to bump into you here. 

Delaney: Especially so figuratively!

Hazel: You mean literally, right?

Delaney: Of course not. That’s ridiculous! Ludicrous! Unrational!

Hazel: That’s not a word. And ugh, it’s literally.

Delaney: That makes no sense.

Hazel: Explain how figuratively can mean literally.

Delaney: It just does. I mean, it doesn’t.

Hazel: Think about root words and their meanings.

Delaney: Who cares about that? That has nothing to do with the actual meaning.

Hazel: No, it does. (Expounds on this, speaking at a normal theater speed and then speeding up; the audience doesn’t have to hear every word. Tries to annoy Delaney.) Even if the English word the way we use it now is seemingly unrelated, there’s always a connection. Where else would words come from? As an example, transfer and translate come from the Latin transferre and translatus, which are different forms of the same verb. It means “to carry across,” which is the literal meaning of the English words, though that’s not how we use them. Notice how I said “literal” —

Delaney: Fine. Switch the two if you like. (Rolls eyes and looks completely and utterly bored.)

Hazel: (still speaking quickly) I’m not, because literal pertains to a word’s technical meaning. Figuratively, however, refers to imaginary things. Like, if I imagined what would happen if there were a dragon in front of me, I could say it’s a figurative dragon. (Slows down for the last part.) But if there’s literally a dragon —

(Hazel and Delaney come to the entrance of the dragon cave. Enter all dragons except Starfire.)

(Pause.)

(Hazel, Delaney, Allie, Evie, and Eden start screaming.) 

Scene 4: A Friend, Perhaps (all dragons except Starfire; Hazel, Delaney, Allie, Evie, Eden)

Cockerell: Well, well, what do we have here?

Conscience: It looks like humans. 

Fryen: Humans? Those’re weird. Haven’t seen ’um in ages.

Cockerell: (glaring and snarling) I know that, Conscience.

Conscience: (Sniffs.) I didn’t say you didn’t. And you did ask what they were.

Icestone: (taking great delight in saying so) Ignore him, Conscience. Cockerell’s just mean.

Cockerell: WHAT DID YOU SAY?

Icestone: Nothing, sir.

Airin: Nothing, nothing, nothing at all. Hee hee.

Icestone: (threateningly) Airin . . .

Airin: Funny little old Icestone.

Icestone: (Fearsome dragon roar.)

Fireblossom: Well, what should we do about them?

Soliana: I forgot how to dispose of humans.

Icestone: With ice. Freeze them.

Cockerell: (snarling) That won’t work, you idiot. Ice won’t survive here.

Fireblossom: With fire we could burn them.

Pyren: I don’t think we should kill them. . . . We should at least find out who they are and why they are here. They have done nothing to us.

Cockerell: We don’t need your stupid opinion, you worthless runt. Now scram!

All dragons except Pyren and Starfire: Go away! Get out! Etc. (Rudely shoo Pyren offstage.)

Pyren: Ouch. (Sneaks in front of the stage)

Skyburst: Take away their phones. I think phones control human lifespans now, don’t they?

Cockerell: Just kill them already!

Pyren: Jump! I will catch you.

Delaney: (stage whisper) You three — run! Hazel — pretend to fall. And scream.

Hazel: Whaaaaaaaaa —

Delaney/Hazel: Aaaaaaaaaaaa —

(Pyren catches them.) 

Fryen: Well, that takes care o’ that, eh? Wait a mo — hey you!

All dragons except Pyren and Starfire: We’ll get for this, runt! I’m warning you for the last time. 

(Evie, Eden, and Allie run away. The dragons chase them around during Pyren’s line and capture them after it.)

Pyren: Shh! I apologize for this ordeal. They have lost their sense of morality and only recognize dragons as people. (as an afterthought) And, I suppose, they don’t even recognize some dragons as such.

Soliana: Why don’t we take them prisoner? It’s less . . . messy.

Cockerell: That was my plan all along, you fool!

Icestone: (as if Cockerell can’t hear it; sarcastically; to the audience) Of course it was.

(The dragons take the three humans prisoner.)

Scene 5: The Dragons’ Way (Pyren, Hazel, Delaney)

Pyren: We are safe for the moment. Oh, and my name is Pyren. 

 Hazel: I’m Hazel. Nice to meet you. But, um, you’re a dragon? A real one?

Delaney: Thank you so much. And you’re a dragon! That’s so cool!

Pyren: Indeed I am. 

Delaney: So, um. It’s a nice cave. I like the — 

Hazel: Get to the point, Delaney. WHERE ARE WE?

Pyren: We’re in the center of the earth. Oh, watch out, there’s a lava stream!

Delaney: Thanks, Pyren; the center of the earth is awesome!

Hazel: But — but — how are we not burning up, then?

Pyren: When you stepped in the portal, it formed a heat shield around each of you.

Hazel: That’s impossible.

Delaney: Portal? We were building a time machines.

Pyren: I think they somehow merged and became a portal.

Delaney: Cool!

Hazel: But how will we get back?

Delaney: Why’d we want to do that? It’s so amazing here. I mean, there’s dragons! I didn’t need to travel into the future after all!

Pyren: I am glad you like it. But do you not want to rescue your friends?

Delaney: Right, that. Come on, Hazel! Let’s go!

Hazel: Uh, Delaney . . . We need a plan. . . .

(Exit Hazel, Delaney, and Pyren.)

Scene 6: The Punishment for Traitors (Cockerell, Conscience, Airin, Icestone, Evie, Eden, Allie)

(Enter Cockerell, Conscience, Airin, and Icestone with Evie, Eden, and Allie as prisoners.)

Cockerell: Here we go; I’m putting you in here. You are now our prisoners, and you must behave, because I said so and I am superior to everything and everyone, and am the most important entity that ever existed.

Evie: You’re mean.

Eden: My mommy’s way better than you.

Airin: Y’all, that might actually be true.

Cockerell: WHAT WAS THAT, AIRIN?!?

Airin: I was just saying what an amazing king you are. You’re the most wonderful, excellent leader that anyone could hope for and I am indebted to you forever just to be in your presence — nothing could possibly compare to you.

(Cockerell is lost in admiring himself; Allie, Evie, and Eden make faces at him behind his back.)

Icestone: Nothing, nothing, nothing at all. Hee hee.

Airin: How dare you, Icestone; that’s my line!

Cockerell: (Comes back to his senses.) Why, thank you, Airin. Well, yes, I suppose I am quite magnificent. You just might be my new top henchman so you can say things like that all the time.

Conscience: But I’m your brother — you can’t just fire me.

Cockerell: Why, yes, I can, Conscience. You’re fired. 

Conscience: Cockerell, you are the meanest person I have ever met in my life.

Cockerell: Conscience, your presence is no longer needed. If you don’t leave, I shall lock you in a cell.

Conscience: Noooooooooooooooo — I mean, I have better things to do anyway. (Storms away and exits.) 

Cockerell: Now that he’s gone, I’m going to find the other two humans. 

(Exit Airin, Icestone, and Cockerell. Evie and Eden start to cry.)

Allie: There, there. We’ll escape soon enough.

Scene 7: The Legendary Starfire (Evie, Eden, Allie, Conscience, Starfire)

Eden: Evie, can you pick the lock? I know you’re really good at it.

Evie: OK. (Picks lock.)

Allie: (to herself) Is it bad that a six-year-old can pick a lock?

Conscience: (Enters.) What are you doing? 

Evie: Um . . .

Conscience: I’ll get you guys out of here.

Evie/Eden: YAY!!!!!!!!

Conscience: (Opens cell door.) Quiet!

Allie: Where are you taking us?

Starfire: (Enters.) Come me with me. Conscience, what do you think you’re doing? Give them to me.

Conscience: No, come with me. He’s a — a traitor, or something.

Starfire: No, I’m not. My name is Starfire.

Conscience: (Gasps dramatically.) Th-th-the L-legendary S-st-arfire?

Starfire: Precisely.

(Conscience quivers with awe; Starfire beckons, and Allie, Evie, and Eden climb onto his back. He flies away.)

Scene 8: A Change of Heart (Pyren, Hazel, Delaney, Conscience, Airin, Icestone, Fryen, Skyburst, Soliana, Fireblossom, Starfire, Allie, Evie, Eden, Cockerell)

(Enter Pyren, Hazel, and Delaney in front of the stage. Enter all dragons except Pyren, Starfire, and Cockerell onstage.)

Pyren: Perhaps we shall overhear where they have been imprisoned.

Hazel: Great idea.

Delaney: Why don’t we just sneak up on them and ask where they are?

Hazel: Why don’t we just jump into the lava pit? That’s pretty much the same thing.

Pyren: Stop bickering so we can hear what they’re saying. 

Conscience: It was Starfire, I’m telling you. He took the prisoners.

Fryen: Serves ol’ Cockerell right, don’ it?

Fireblossom: Isn’t Cockerell dead? Didn’t he die as Starfire did a long time ago?

Conscience: I told you, Starfire was . . . Oh, no. Cockerell. (Starts to sneak offstage to try and save Cockerell — for he thinks him to be in danger.)

Skyburst: Was his tree species really dead, though?

Starfire: (Enters.) Not quite, my friends.

(Allie, Evie, and Eden enter behind him.)

Icestone/Airin/Fryen/Soliana/Fireblossom/Skyburst/Pyren: (Gasp, take step back.) The . . . legendary . . . Starfire. . . .

(Hazel, Delaney, and Pyren climb onto the stage.)

Hazel: Allie!! (Hugs her.)

Delaney: Evie, Eden!! (Hugs them.)

Starfire: Pyren, it’s so good to see you at last. My great 

grandson. . . .

Pyren: Great-grandson?

Icestone/Airin/Fryen/Soliana/Fireblossom/Skyburst: Great-grandson?

Starfire: You didn’t know?

Pyren: How could I have? Besides, we all thought you were dead.

Starfire: Well, way up at the top of Mount Everest, a few trees of my coexisting species survived.

Hazel/Delaney: Coexisting species?

Starfire: Each dragon is connected to his or her own species of tree. If that species goes extinct, that dragon will die.

Skyburst: And if the trees are in danger, we lose control of our fire.

Soliana: Which causes global warming.

Fireblossom: (roaring) And you humans are cutting them down!

Fryen: Totally uncool, y’know?

Pyren/Starfire: But we can make peace . . .

Airin/Icestone: . . . if you save the trees.

Hazel/Delaney: We’ll do it.

Evie/Eden: We can help you!

Delaney: Are you sure?

Evie: We snuck into your time machine.

Eden: And escaped from being captured.

Allie: They’re very capable.

Hazel: And this is the evidence we need! You’re right, Delaney, we didn’t need to travel into the future!

Starfire: Thank you, brave humans.

Everyone onstage: Goodbye! (Group hug. Then the five humans walk away.)

(Cockerell and Conscience enter.) 

Cockerell: You’re letting them get away? STOP THEM!

(Conscience moves to help him, but the others block his way.)

Pyren: They’re loyal humans. Let them go. They’re helping us save the trees.

Starfire: My great-grandson is right.

Cockerell: The legendary Starfire? Great-grandson? Right?

Starfire: Precisely.

Cockerell: I guess you’re not a runt, after all. And Conscience, you’re unfired. Thanks for helping me, brother.

All The dragons: Bye! (Wave as the humans exit. Then they also exit.)

Scene 9: Three Years (Potay, Ol’ Tater, Hazel, Delaney)

(Enter Potay and Ol’ Tater.)

Potay: The success of the tree mission is undetermined. But Hazel and Delaney have changed for the better.

Ol’ Tater: It took them three years to change, but still.

Potay: And then —

Ol’ Tater: Don’t spoil the ending! (Drags Potay offstage.)

Potay: Aaaaaaa —

Ol’ Tater: Shush!

(Enter Hazel and Delaney.)

Hazel: The dragons said the existence of unicorns isn’t physically impossible. I wonder . . .

(They bump into each other.)

Hazel: Oh, it’s nice to bump into you here, Delaney!

Delaney: Literally.

The end.